25Feb
By: Brian On: February 25, 2016 In: Toddler TV Comments: 0

There can’t possibly be enough tax payers in Adventure Bay to cover even the costs of basic sanitation let alone the funding it must take to publicly support the Paw Patrol.  I mean, cripes…The Lookout alone must have run them a few million in architectural and development fees.  Add in the purchase and annual upkeep of 6 (7 if you count Everest) dog powered house/emergency vehicles and we’ve got to be talking about the operating budget of some small South American countries.  At least Ryder is doing his part by riding around on a bullshit four wheeler.  Sure, it converts to a jetski, but I have to think when he put in the budget request for Rubble’s excavator backpack, he knew it meant some tough questions for Mayor Goodway at the next town hall meeting.  Seriously though…what are we looking at…like 10 actual adults with jobs who aren’t on the public dime?

So we’ve got 2 farmers who don’t seem to have any actual crops to sell, nor a place to sell them.  Although I applaud their drive to cash in on complimentary businesses like Pup-fu classes, corn mazes, and sheep herding competitions, they’re clearly dependent on public subsidies.  Farmer Yumi can’t even afford the premiums on her insurance (if she has insurance at all) and instead monopolizes ¼ of the Paw Patrol to rebuild her barn as it’s being devoured by Chompy the beaver and his family.  Also, her and Farmer Al are hooking up, right?

We’ve got two obsessive compulsive sea captains who never actually catch any fish…they just run around with their pet walrus and take pictures of blue footed boobies or seagulls and their incessant bumbling pulls the Paw Patrol away from what I can only imagine to be 10-15 actual emergencies each year.  Representing the entire fishing fleet, Adventure Bay won’t be recovering based on their seafood exports in the near future.  Also these two are hooking up, right?

Mayor Goodway

Mayor Goodway

There’s the schizophrenic mayor who spends 90% of her time chasing around her worthless pet chicken and her rival from Foggy Bottom who apparently has run unopposed for the last decade allowing him to spend all of his public funding on an evil, copy-cat (pun I’m certain is intended) version of the Paw Patrol instead of addressing the very real pollution problem in his dismal town that has forced a mass exodus of every resident except himself, the cats, and a small youth basketball team that can’t even beat a bunch of dogs.  Also, these two are hooking up, right?

There’s a whole bunch of out of towners like Ace Sorenson the stunt pilot, Luke Stars the teen idol, Carlos the blatant rip-off of Dora’s cousin, Diego, and his asshole monkey that live in the rain forest…and those people not only don’t pay taxes in Adventure Bay, but every time they’re in an episode, it’s costing the town millions in unbillable emergency services like airplane recovery, expenses for concerts that draw like 12 people not including dogs, and whatever the cost is for a single-use, self-driving jungle bus.  Ace is clearly a lesbian but Luke and Diego are probably hooking up.  Ace and Sky get together in Season 10 when kids are old enough to handle that kind of storyline.

Toddler TV - Mr Porter from Paw Patrol

Mr. Porter

Now we’re left with Mr. Porter who is the hardest working son of a bitch in 3 counties, but he never actually sells anything because most of his inventory ends up on his face or on the ground or on his asshole grandson, Alex.  If Mayor Goodway had followed through on her 2nd term promise to build the Adventure Bay Academy for Exceptional Children instead of blowing all of the funding on corn and fashion forward chicken sweaters, Alex would have received the specialized attention he needed and Mr. Porter would have been able to focus on growing his business instead of picking pizza dough and non-descript white cakes out of his rapidly thinning hair.  Mr. Porter will never hook up with anyone again mostly because Alex’s deadbeat parents are too busy smoking weed with Jake up in the mountains to actually take care of their kid.

By my count, this leaves us with Santa, a random train engineer, a baker’s dozen of generic townies who never say anything except “Go Paw Patrol, Go,” Katie the pet groomer, and of course, Ryder who is just doing his best to keep his shit together every time Marshall eats it on the way into the elevator.  I mean talk about stress, all Ryder does is maintain the Lookout including all of the vehicles (don’t give me that crap that Rocky is fixing anything…he’s out antiquing with Zuma), and answer his Pup pad when a hapless Adventure Bay resident loses their keys or Alex decides he wants to see if he can fly off the bell tower.  It’s a miracle when Ryder actually gets to go outside and play soccer all by himself, or go over to the pet salon and hook up with Katie.  Dude is stressed.

So…if my math is correct…and I think that after 5 Jameson’s and 5 episodes in a row, we can be sure that it is…the roughly 17 responsible, tax-paying citizens of Adventure Bay are each paying 2.7 million dollars annually in local income and property taxes.

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